Day #10

I haven't posted the photo yet, but this morning's weigh-in was at 283.8, up one pound from Monday. Normally, I would be upset over that, but I'm actually pretty pleased. Considering how badly I went off the tracks on Wednesday and that I haven't been to the gym since Tuesday, I'll take that gladly. There is still an opportunity to get below 280 before I leave for my trip next week. And with plenty of yardwork to be done and a nice weekend awaiting, I should be outdoors and moving a lot this weekend.

Day #9

Sorry for not posting my weigh-in yesterday morning. I was up 3/10ths of a pound to 283.1. I have no idea why. I was fully anticipating a loss. But the bad thing is that at this first set-back, I cracked under the pressure. I didn't go to the gym and I ate horribly for the rest of the day. Total emotional eating. I even knew that's what it was when I was doing it, but I didn't care. I know I put some of the hard lost pounds back on, and I will have to be accountable to that tomorrow.

In retrospect, it wasn't a big deal. That much weight is nothing, but I was so hoping to get under 280 lbs. Now, after yesterday, it's going to be very difficult to get there before I leave for my trip next week.

Maybe the three times per week weigh in isn't such a good idea. I think I'm going to move it back to Mondays and Fridays only.

Even though I had been losing the weight for the last couple of weeks, I feel like I've been on a down note lately. I've just switched therapists, and I might be on some new meds next week. I hope that helps get me out of these blues. And sun would definitely help.

Day #7

I really don't have anything significant to report today since the weigh-in isn't until tomorrow, but I was able to buy some new clothes!

Two times over the course of the Fall and Winter, I cleaned out my closet and took the clothes that were way too big to a local homeless shelter. The last time included all of my shorts that no longer fit, which was all of my shorts except gym shorts. So I had no shorts. And even though it's not exactly warm here yet, warmer temperatures are approaching! So, shorts shopping I went . . . When I started my weight loss journey last May, I wore size 58-60 pants/shorts/etc. I purchased size 42s last night. Now, they are still a little tight, but they fit, and I know I will be shrinking comfortably into them soon enough. Better yet, when I went into the dressing room to try them on, I held them up looking at the waist, and said to myself that there was no way they were going to fit. But they did!

Then today, I used a $50 coupon I had that was getting ready to expire at Men's Wearhouse. I bought a very light black sweater and a button-down short-sleeve shirt I can wear this Spring/Summer. I still find it amazing that I can find clothes at about any store that I go into. Depending on the store, sometimes the clothes are still a little tight, but by and large, they all fit. Neither of the stores I bought from in the last two days could I have bought from 10 months ago.

Thin to average people really have no comprehension of what it's like to have to shop at specialty stores because most stores don't carry sizes that fit you. It has been one of the biggest rewards for me personally. And know that the best is yet to come only keeps me motivated to keep plugging and chugging away!

Day #6

As you can tell from the scale pic on the left, today's weigh-in was another good one. Since Friday, I had dropped another 3.4 lbs.

This is significant for a few reasons. First, this is the first weekend in I don't know how long that I didn't gain, let alone post a loss. Second, after posting on Friday, and saying that I wasn't going to have any bad days until my trip next week, I had a bad day ;) I joined my wife and some of her colleagues at an Indian buffet. Then over the course of the rest of the day, I had four beers, 3 souped-up coney dogs and a big piece of French Silk Pie. Since I had worked out and drank all of my water, the result was blunted, I guess. Third, we went to my wife's hometown to see her family and friends, which is normally a time I overeat. But even though I didn't go to the gym either Saturday or Sunday, I still was very careful about eating, paying attention to calories, and drinking my water.

All in all, I was hoping just to break even with where I was on Friday, and I certainly wasn't expecting this loss, but eating right and water did the trick. It is very motivating to me heading into this week, knowing that the 270s are so close, and at 275 lbs, I will have lost 100 lbs. total from my first go-around and this one. It makes me look forward to Wednesday's weigh-in. And after two days off the gym, my body is telling me it's time to get back in.

One significant thing from this weekend happened yesterday. My father-in-law was heading out to grab some stuff for breakfast, and when I heard he was going to Dunkin' Donuts, I started having problems. Until recently, we didn't have Dunkin' Donuts in my town, so I could only get them when I visited my in-laws. But I love me some Dunkin' Donuts, and even though I had told my wife the night before that I was not going to eat Dunkin' Donuts the next morning, I couldn't resist. But I told him to get me only one. I ate it, it was absolutely delicious, and since there were no more, I stopped at that one. I don't know that I would have had the self-control to stop at just one if there were more there, but I was removing myself from a potentially very bad situation. It just reminded me that all of this isn't necessarily about will-power (something I don't really believe in), but just planning ahead, making smart decisions, and keeping yourself away from temptation.

Day #3

Ok, the first official weigh-in this morning went really well. I came in at 286.5, down 5.5 lbs. (still 6.6 lbs. above my lowest, but I will get there soon). A lot of that is water - I've been peeing like I'm trying to put out a forrest fire. But I'll take it. It's good for motivation heading into the weekend, which is usually my biggest enemy, especially since I accomplished my first goal - break 290 lbs.

I was also able to get up again this morning and head to the gym. I hate getting up early, but I feel so much better the rest of the day if I exercise in the a.m., and I'm much less tempted to stray from the straight and narrow. My heart feels like it's really back in to doing this, and that makes me proud of myself.

We're taking an extended weekend trip in a couple of weeks, and I know I will be eating badly pretty much that entire trip. So to prepare in advance, I'm really working on not having a single bad day of eating before then. It's going to be tough, but achieving these small goals and the three weigh-ins per week will help keep me focused.

I came in at 1990 calories yesterday, though I had reported earlier that I planned on coming in at 1500. Here is my reason: by the time we got to dinner last night, I was really hungry. I knew, though, that what I had planned to eat wouldn't take care of this hunger, so I had two choices: eat more now in a somewhat controlled environment, or go home later, still hungry, and wind up binging. So I opted to go ahead and eat more at the time. It took care of my hunger, and I didn't eat again last night. The other good thing about that was that, while I had consumed more calories, it was earlier in the evening than what it would have been if I had snacked at home, so I was able to burn more of them prior to going to bed. So that was good.

I also wanted to share something that really helped to spur this on again. This past weekend, my wife and I were talking about going out for breakfast. We were talking along the lines of going to one of the local feeding troughs. I got my mind set on it. Then she said she didn't really want to go there, and all of a sudden I got really pissed off about it. I WANTED that food - badly! I exploded at her over it. Then that kind of scared me. It's been a long time since I got that mad over food - back when I weighed 375 lbs. I still went out and bought us an unhealthy breakfast at a local fast food joint, but while I was out, I thought about what had happened. I saw that I was letting the Addict regain control of my eating, and I knew that I had to put a stop to it quickly. That was the Addict that got so pissed off about being told "No, you're not going to get that food you're obsessing about." What I did feel good about was that I caught what was happening. I caught that it wasn't me that was wanting that so badly, but that he was in control at the minute. Addiction is not easy. It is a constant daily struggle to beat. But I'm doing it.

Day #2

I'm in the midst of my second day of re-commitment, and I have to say that it feels good. Two mornings in a row of getting up at 6am to hit the gym, doing some heavy cardio for 30-40 minutes (40 yesterday, 30 today), drinking all of my water, counting my calories, and saying no to temptation. I came in at 1800 calories yesterday, and (should I stick to my plan) today I should come in around 1500 calories. My goal is to just not go over 2000 daily. That, coupled with cardio 5x per week, and hitting my water goal (at least 100 oz. every day), and I should be back on the path to normal-sized clothing!

For those of you that are new to my blogging, last May I wore 5-6 XL in shirts and 58" waist pants. Today, I fit comfortably in 2 XLs and 42-44" jeans. A big part of my motivation is clothing. It's not that I didn't know how to dress nicely and look good, it was just that I couldn't find the clothing to do it.

I say cardio only 5x per week, even though I know I shouldn't be doing strictly cardio, but adding weight training to it, too. However, I have my reasons. First, I lost the vast majority of my weight the first time around my strictly doing cardio. Second, my weight training routine is pretty intense. After completing it, I'm usually exhausted and sore. Then I get hesitant to do it again two days later, and stay away from the gym. It's all mental (like all of this), but until I get back on track for a while, I'm sticking with just cardio again. Besides, I will have the rest of my life to lift weights, but I won't if I don't drop this weight and keep on getting healthy.

I also plan to weigh-in three times per week, and here is why. By doing it weekly, I've found that I may be good on Wednesday but by the official weigh-in on Friday, I'm at the same place, and I get discouraged going into the weekend, or I don't post. But by doing it Monday, Wednesday and Friday and posting the results and updating all my little bells and whistles, I think I can keep motivated and positive. I don't know - I could be completely wrong, but I don't think so. So the first update will be tomorrow. Then again on Monday.

I'm also trying to do a lot of the same things that worked so well for me previously, things that I got away from by listening to other people. Weight loss works differently for everyone. I know what works for me, and while I'm always looking for advice and ideas, I'm going to stick to what I know works. I should know by now that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

I mentioned yesterday that in my battle to beat Addiction, I am trying to work on my spiritual self, too. Before I say anything else, please understand that I haven't come from a strong religious tradition and I don't claim that what I believe is what others should or shouldn't believe. Again, with something this personal, this is just about what works for me.

I will begin the process of converting to Catholicism in a few months (August, I think), but what little religious tradition I have is Protestant. And something big in Protestantism is Bible study. Now, I've read the entire Old Testament in high school for a literature class, and I've glanced through the New Testament. But I've never read it with the purpose of nurturing my spirit, until now. Not every night, but many, I am reading a new Bible I purchased that is targeted at men. I have only been reading the New Testament because its the real base of the Christian tradition and it just seems more real to me than the Old Testament stuff (much of which I believe to be parables or folklore). Anyway, what I'm getting at is that last night, I found some passages that really stood out to me and are making me ponder them today in light of this desire to be healthy.

The first is from Luke 12:22-23: Then Jesus spoke to his disciples. He said, "I tell you, do not worry. Don't worry about your life and what you will eat. And don't worry about your body and what you will wear. There is more to life than eating. There are more important things for the body than clothes.

I think this stood out to me because even on days where I'm eating well, I feel like I constantly fixate on food. What I want to eat, what I can eat, how much of it, when to eat, how many calories, etc, etc, etc. You all know what it's like, I'm sure. I don't think Jesus is saying that we shouldn't be concerned with our health or the food we put in our bodies, but more so of just don't fixate on food and worry about it all the time or where it is going to come from.

The other is also from Luke, 12:29-30: "Don't spend time thinking about what you will eat or drink. Don't worry about it. People who are ungodly run after all of those things. Your Father knows that you need them."

Again, I think he's getting back to that point. We obsess with food. It's driven so much into our families and our culture that it's hard not to think about. But let's let the obsession go. Tackle your Addict. Know that you will be provided for in some way, you will get your sustenance. Focus on leading a good and healthy life.

day #1 - another new day dawns.

Welcome to The Man of Carver. Some of you may be brand new to my blogging, while others of you know me from some previous works. Either way, welcome to my new online home.

I need a fresh start. For many things in my life. So this is one of my efforts at obtaining that fresh start.

Here is part of my story. On May 20th of last year, I weighed 375 lbs. I decided to change my life that day. And for quite a few months, I did just that. As of late, however, I have gone wayward to my plans. Slowly, some of the weight I had lost has crept back on. As you can see, I weigh 292 lbs. today, which is 12 lbs. up from my lowest.

I refuse to give in, though. I refuse to quit fighting. You see, I have admitted to myself that I am a food addict. Some of you may not believe in such a thing, but trust me, it's a reality for many people. The Addict is strong and has been in charge for a long, long time. He has affected several areas of my life. But he can be defeated. And I'm going to do just that - beat the shit out of him.

The initial weight loss seems to be a different time for me - a completely different life. I can't keep making myself feel better about my wayward ways by telling myself that I've lost 80+ lbs. So this is my fresh start. In my mind, I am beginning anew today in changing my life, a change in which I start out weighing 292 lbs. I have 72 lbs. to lose. As of today, I have lost 0 pounds. I have established new goals and new expectations for myself.

Part of my defeat of Addiction includes tending to my spiritual self. And another part is trying to uncover what my pain is that I'm trying to ease by eating myself to death. In previous blogs, I have never established a sole topic of discussion and stuck to it. This blog is completely about my journey through weight loss and to a new life. Sometimes that will incorporate personal details and anectdotes, other times it will not. I hope to learn more about myself through this experience. I don't know just how deep my rabbit hole goes, but join with me, and we'll find out together.